I managed to wake up again around 5 and attempt the elusive walk up Mont Royal. Wish I'd taken a map. I got up into the McGill University campus and couldn't find a way through to the top of the mountain without slogging through deep snow. Time ran out and I started back, immediately running into the right road. C'est la damn vie. I took more pictures of dark art and architecture and even found Christ Church.

Two generations of Christ Church

I got back in time to mail home our tour books and souvenirs and a couple of tshirts to the kids. I even wolfed some free breakfast before descending into the train station with the commuter crowd.

Waiting for the train.

First Class

The train was a little late and we were a little early. Lisa's hip was killing her as we guarded our place in line. At least we were able to check our enormous baggage. Once we were settled into our seats for a six hour ride, the train dude came by for our tickets. He stared at us, "You're first class!" "Ok." "No, no. You should be in the first car. You haven't bought any food have you? It is complementary in first class. You could have relaxed on the sofa in the panorama lounge in the station!" Well, shit! I guess Washington DOT isn't the only agency that figures, "If you don't know where you are, you shouldn't be here." There was no thing and no body to tell us what to do or where to go at the station. We just saw a line for the train to Toronto and got in it. C'est la freaking vie.

Lisa was feeling really bad by this time. Her hip was aching and she may be coming down with a nasty flu I was fighting when we left home. We savored the free coffee, wine and dressed up airline food. ("Their food" in the terminology of the old Ranier beer ad. Remember, Sims?) Even though it was warm on the train, Lisa curled up on my lap under a blanket and shivered the rest of the way to Toronto. She was feeling pretty good by the time we arrived. Even though we were riding coach to Niagara Falls, we found the damn panorama lounge and parked ourselves in it. Lisa was energized and made several circuits of the station. I was not energized and neither was my laptop, so I got low-tech and read a book. The fog was so thick coming into Toronto that it was all you could see. Turned out the airport was fogged in and everybody was fighting for space on the train (and the lounge), but not to Niagara.

It was just a 2 hour ride to Niagara. We read and napped and listened to a little girl sing to her grandfather. Rodney Dangerfield told us how he didn't get any respect as he drove us (a circuitous route?) to the hotel. The room is half the size, a tenth the class and twice the price of La Reine Elizabeth. It did, however, have an enormous jacuzzi tub and a nightlight in the shape of a fireplace (a couple of lightbulbs simulated coals and flames). The view was certainly different from Montreal. It was a solid white wall of fog, like we were inside a glass of milk. I couldn't even tell where the falls were.

We ordered some room service. (We took your advice, Mom, and had club sandwiches. You're right. When in doubt, get the club.) I took a walk to try to find some yogurt to mix with the granola I've been hauling around for 5000 miles. I was glad the hotel was right next to a space needle, the Minolta Tower (with fake flashbulbs going off), so I could find my way back in the fog. Lisa fell asleep and I was wide awake. I'd checked out the lower level on my walk. The pool was full of beached whales and screeching kids - and closed at 11. The fitness room and laundry room were open all night so at midnight I hauled practically all our clothes to the basement. I stuffed the machines and rode the stationary bikes. Six big black women from Buffalo came in after they left the casino and played around on the machinery awhile and kept me entertained. After that I occasionally heard a security radio walk by, otherwise I had the basement to myself. When it was time to start the second load I threw in the tshirt I was wearing and spent the next hour watching my fat jiggle in the wall to wall mirrors as I exercised with much more resolve. The clothes finally dried about 2am and I made my way back to the 15th floor. The fog was still quite thick, but I could occasionally see the moon or some tourist trap lights poke through.

I gave up trying to go back to sleep about 9 and looked out the window. I was really relieved to discover that there was something outside.

Most of the fog lifted.

Lisa woke up after a nice 12 hour nap, feeling much better. She wasn't hungry. I was starved so I went out searching for non-hotel food while she went back to sleep. Passed the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet and went to Biffy's instead. A huge portrait of a huge Italian man hung by the register. Biffy?

Went for a little walk afterward. It was 66 degrees! I was glad that I had my backpack to put my coat in. (Along with my laptop. Hey, you never know.) The virgin snow was beautiful in the sunshine, but the mounds of melting snow, sand and gravel on the roadsides and sidewalks were sloppy and gross. Wound up at the falls. It's damn big alright! Impressive, wet, loud, cold (in spite of the sun). But the most fun was watching the people. Japanese tourists posing for the trophy photos. Kids sleeping slumped over dad's shoulder or buried under coats in the stroller. I'd forgotten my camera, but brought the walky talky and called Lisa. I could see her up on the 15th floor looking for me. Uh oh. Guess I'll have to be a bit more careful about what I'm wearing in the window.

It really is me, from room 1510. I blew the picture up and saw the blue pixels of my waving arms.

I wanted to find a grocery store and get Lisa some milk and me some fresh fruits and veg's. The wonderful Reine Elizabeth had a bathroom scale that flattered me ceaselessly, no matter what or how much I ate. The scale in the fitness center last night was merciless (not to mention the mirrors). The Don Rickles of bathroom fixtures. I asked the postcard clerk where to find a grocery store. I told her I'd found the 7-11 last night and she said, "Oh, no problem. There's a big "No Frills" grocery just two blocks past it. I'd seen the store from the taxi through the fog the night before. I know it exists. But it doesn't exist anywhere in a 2 mile radius around the 7-11. I tried a few other convenience stores. Endless postcards, soda pop and condoms, no milk. The largest place had one small carton of milk with a picture of Ronald McDonald and a French expiration date of 2 weeks ago.

Walking around Niagara Falls is pretty interesting. Along a more deserted industrial section I passed a tall lanky man in a rented tux and his lovely bride with armloads of taffeta, trying to keep her gown out of the runoff, as they entered a breakfast buffet truckstop. On another tangent, I found the real tourist section. Schlock City. It was hard to believe that I was still in Canada. This not only seemed like the US, it seemed like Jersey! "Hey, hey, hey! You come to see the beauty of the natural wonders? Check out the wax statues of dead rock stars! How about a keychain with a picture of a hamster on it? You just happened to be coming along at the right time." All this, but no milk.

After a couple of hours, I stopped in the restaurant on the way up to our room and got a few cartons of milk. Maybe I've walked enough to blow off the carrots and just keep eating french fries. I woke Lisa up. She had a couple of sips of milk and went back to sleep. The next time she woke up, she was raring to go and amazed that she had slept so long. We went back to the hotel restaurant to enjoy the view and avoid Denny's and Biffy's. It was mostly deserted and we enjoyed chatting with the waitress. As we sipped coffee after a fine meal, she brought us a fantastic piece of chocolate mousse cake with "Happy 25th!" drizzled in chocolate on the plate. Man, we're milking this for all its worth.

Looking for flying saucers. Do de doo bah boom.

We walked down to the falls, took lots of pictures and took inventory of the gift shop. Huge colored spotlights illuminated the falls. The falls were unphotographable, but beautiful. In some ways, you could actually see the falls better with the lights at night. They seemed to cut through the mist and light up the middle of the horseshoe that's completely invisible in the light of day. They tended to hide the ice and rubble of the American Falls and make them seem much more majestic. I left our floor lamp in the window of our room so we could identify it. Here it is.

Room 1510 from the falls

It was hard to leave the beauty of the falls (even though they are nearly as beautiful from our room), but it wasn't hard to leave the cold wet spray from 35 million gallons of water crashing down every minute. We rounded out the days gastronomical tour of Niagara Falls with "Moons Over My Hammy" to go. L'america.

Return to index.

Feb 27 The Butterfly Conservatory.